Friday, December 09, 2005

Its been awhile

Don’t think twice.

I have loved and I have lost. Still hurts, not as much but I feel it will always feel a little sore, but more recently I have finally felt the ability to love again. I don’t know, writing that just scared the shit out of me. What to do? What should I do? I am so confused; I don’t want to feel like I am wasting my precious time. I hate that feeling. I am over dealing with meaning less relationships and fake ass people. I am currently seeing the guy I have been obsessed with over the past 5 years, yes I finally grew the balls that I wished I would have had 5 years ago but I am a firm believer that everything happens for a reason, or ad least it should. But, I am not 100% sure how it is going to go, so far its good. It has been a wee bit over a month and we still haven’t done anything but kiss, and trust me I love kissing him, but I am getting anxious and am starting to wonder if the reason why is because he doesn’t want to go there knowing that it isn’t going to last or does he really respect me and want it to be special? I don’t know, I was thinking yesterday in conversations with Carl that it sounds from a guys point of view that he does like me, as a matter of fact he must really like me because e at that very moment Carl realized that he has never thought like that towards a girl, all he would think about is getting in there pants. But not Paul, he is taking it slow and I don’t know how to take that? It’s so weird, I have a hard time expressing my feelings and how I am really feeling, and I get so choked up around him. He still after 5 years gives me that goofy grin and butterfly feeling in my tummy. I love that feeling, but will it ever stop? In a strange way I hope not but I feel like such a dork around him. I don’t know what to say, I just want to hold him but I don’t want to scare him. But, does that mean that by not holding him all the time that I am lacking on my obvious emotions? I don’t even see him all that much which makes me wants to grab him when I do see him. I wish I can see him more but I understand the situation he is in where he works double shifts like every fucking day and then on the weekends he does random jobs. Swap meet, you know the “fun” jobs. We are not even girlfriend and boyfriend, we are dating, I hate that dammit! “Dating” I don’t even think we have been able to go on a date so how the fuck are we dating? Whatever, least of my worries. I have meet his mom, sister, grandma and grandpa. He has taking me to his mom’s and Aunts house, if you are just playing w/ someone and having fun would you really take them to your families house and introduce you as, “My Lady Holly” which is how I was introduced to the G-ma and G-pa which I am sorry that is fucking cute! I am so confused. He calls me Gorgeous, which is one of my favorite things he does. ;) He will surprise me sometimes with some of the stuff he says and does. I cant believe just by writing this I am convincing myself that I am freaking out over nothing. God, what the fuck is wrong with me?