Monday, August 02, 2004

I dont know

that says it right there. I just dont know.

People have come in and out of my life, some good some bad, but either one they have all left very deep memories. I have only a few people I would consider friend. I have a hard time trusting people, which can become a problem because I could only admagine how many decent people I have let go because of that, but everything happens for a reason right? I hope so. Well I think it all started early teens when I had my betrayls comming out from every which eay at me, friends, family, neighbors, it just seemed to be everywhere. I soon thought and relized, why would they do this? what did I ever do to anybody? I know I know poor me, hey Im just trying to figure out people which Im slowly realizing is something that is NEVER going to happen! I still dont know that one, I have just concluded it is peoples desperate attention they crave upon themselves, maybe by seeing other not doing so good, bumps up there esteem. They are out, thriving off of otheres misery. It just seems odd to me how misery can make you feel better? Like I said I dont get it. Ive had some steal from me, use me, cheat on me, lie to me, you name it its been done. But, the most I have been hurt didnt come from lying, cheating, stealing, it came from just confusion. The understanding of not understanding a peoples reason. For Example: 2 years everything great, then one day realizing they want to be alone for a while. I like to think Im a pretty understanding person, I get it, they need some time to do there own thing. I was okay with that, yeah it sucked alot, but Im not going to force anybody to do something they dont want to. I would never want someone to be with me who isnt happy. I took my step back, actually a fewback, but I understood. We talked as freinds for a while, still having to listen to his your still the best person I ever meet spill, ok, and so on, for a few more hours, ok I get it! Pretty much just making me feel more like shit. Cant they just leave it at the understanding? Why do they have to say how great you are, how your the best girl they ever meet, do they think that takes away from the sadness? I would be so bitter ( I swear) if it didnt come slap me in the face a few weeks ago that he is engaged to be married to a girl, when I say girl I mean girl, to run off to vegas this past weekend to get married! Might I add they have only been together 3 three months and even his friends ( who were my friends too) all come up to me and tell me how stupid he is, and how they have never even meet this girl, and that he even gave up music for her, he was is a band (guatir/ singer) when we were together and might I add I thought they were really good! That was his love his life and that I loved about him, he was so talented and to hear he did that broke my heart (again). I would feel 100 times better if I would have adleat ONE person tell me that he is happy and that he loves her, I would wish him the best and mean it. I know that were are not together, im not in denial, but I just wish I would hear something to make me be like, "you know what ! good for him, I wish him the best, as long as he's happy" Beacuse when it comes down to it, he is a really great guy, and I will never say anything bad about him. This just sounds nothing, NOTHING like the person I know, people change I get it, I know, but wow to do a complete 180 in your life baffles me. Its because I still care about him that makes me worry, I dont get it. I have moved on, im doing fine. Im just not going to think about it, like my friends say better her then you, they will be divorced in 3 years! Who knows! I just wished it would stop being flaunted in front of my face. No matter where I go I see someone who knows him and knew us together and breaks the news to me, Ive had it broken to me about 4 time this past 2 weeks! I just want to get over it, its not my problem anymore, I dont want to be reminded of it. Drama Drama, go tell your mama.

Thanks for the vent.

God I wish I didnt pick such an obvious screen name


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