Its been awhile
Don’t think twice.
I have loved and I have lost. Still hurts, not as much but I feel it will always feel a little sore, but more recently I have finally felt the ability to love again. I don’t know, writing that just scared the shit out of me. What to do? What should I do? I am so confused; I don’t want to feel like I am wasting my precious time. I hate that feeling. I am over dealing with meaning less relationships and fake ass people. I am currently seeing the guy I have been obsessed with over the past 5 years, yes I finally grew the balls that I wished I would have had 5 years ago but I am a firm believer that everything happens for a reason, or ad least it should. But, I am not 100% sure how it is going to go, so far its good. It has been a wee bit over a month and we still haven’t done anything but kiss, and trust me I love kissing him, but I am getting anxious and am starting to wonder if the reason why is because he doesn’t want to go there knowing that it isn’t going to last or does he really respect me and want it to be special? I don’t know, I was thinking yesterday in conversations with Carl that it sounds from a guys point of view that he does like me, as a matter of fact he must really like me because e at that very moment Carl realized that he has never thought like that towards a girl, all he would think about is getting in there pants. But not Paul, he is taking it slow and I don’t know how to take that? It’s so weird, I have a hard time expressing my feelings and how I am really feeling, and I get so choked up around him. He still after 5 years gives me that goofy grin and butterfly feeling in my tummy. I love that feeling, but will it ever stop? In a strange way I hope not but I feel like such a dork around him. I don’t know what to say, I just want to hold him but I don’t want to scare him. But, does that mean that by not holding him all the time that I am lacking on my obvious emotions? I don’t even see him all that much which makes me wants to grab him when I do see him. I wish I can see him more but I understand the situation he is in where he works double shifts like every fucking day and then on the weekends he does random jobs. Swap meet, you know the “fun” jobs. We are not even girlfriend and boyfriend, we are dating, I hate that dammit! “Dating” I don’t even think we have been able to go on a date so how the fuck are we dating? Whatever, least of my worries. I have meet his mom, sister, grandma and grandpa. He has taking me to his mom’s and Aunts house, if you are just playing w/ someone and having fun would you really take them to your families house and introduce you as, “My Lady Holly” which is how I was introduced to the G-ma and G-pa which I am sorry that is fucking cute! I am so confused. He calls me Gorgeous, which is one of my favorite things he does. ;) He will surprise me sometimes with some of the stuff he says and does. I cant believe just by writing this I am convincing myself that I am freaking out over nothing. God, what the fuck is wrong with me?
Is it weird that I just want to strangle my roommate’s little twiggist of a neck? She is so odd. And I am not one to talk about being odd considering the fact that I think I am one of the weirdest people I know, but she is just bad odd. Locks herself in her bedroom all the time, and ignores the fact that her roommates are even alive. She will be sitting in her room alone, everyday, all the time, watching the same exact thing we are all watching in the living room. Don’t understand, I know she has to like me, I’ve known her since 2nd grade, and were best friends at one point and considering the fact that besides me she probably has about, 3 friends, but she has a delightful drunk ass 36 years old ex-convict who cant hold down a job if he sat on top of it, and the best part………..he still lives with mommy and daddy. Right, still with me? No wait this is the best part, he thinks her friends are losers! Yeah, losers, this is coming from the guy who hides that fact that he has a drinking problem, let alone even drinks, and then hides the bottles under the sink so mommy and daddy or girlfriend can find them. I am a lose, right, I work 2 jobs, live on my own, pay for everything on my own, and like the person who I am and can admit if I have a problem, which like everyone else, yes I do and my problem is people like him. I love my friend’s good judgments. You know, I tend to think that there is something wrong with me, and then I sit back, observe and realize…………people are fucking stupid. And I mean that in a nice way.
I live in a world where I am surrounded by things that I feel like I have no control over. I can’t control the fact that I want to ring her neck sometimes, I can’t control the fact that my cat likes to eat my feet for breakfast, and I definitely can’t control the fact that it has been weeks since I have written anything. And anonymous friend got on my ass about this. I am a busy girl with not a lot of time. I have a lot of thought and ideas; it’s just the time I am running out on.
So You Read Me Like A Book?
I would like to dedicate this post in a sense as a memory, and a reminder of myself. I rarely like to actually "talk" that much about myself (even some might disagree with that) But, I had a attack of memories lately. Almost like my brain reminding me not to forget. Her are some for the sake of remembering:
*I use to have this 4'11 asian biy in high scholl who use to obsess over not only myself but 2 other girls at school. I had him in a elective class and felt sorry for him because he was kinda weird and said some pretty random things so I was always nice to him, but then I started to noticed that everywhere I was he was. He startes taking pictures of me without my knowledge, and every day for class he would always bring me in snacks and a soda becuas ethe vending machine mysterioulsy gave hime extra. I started to get kinda freaked out because I really dont like the idea of someone following me around taking my picture. I found out because he had them in his folder and he showed me a picture he drew of me and as I was browsing through I saw them. needless to say thank god I graduated that year. Then I saw him at Junior College the next year, and I am using that as my excuse for not going back to school.
*When I won "Most Memorable" for senior favorites I said in my mini-bio that I wanted to give the whole world a life time supply of snapple and taco bell. And I sit back and wonder why people thought of me as such a stoner!
*I've made out with a set of twins during a truth or dare session. By the way, always pick dare.
*Ive been to the world largest McDonald's in I believe it was Oklahoma? Correct me if I am wrong, but it wasn't that great. It still made me sick to my stomach just like any other normal Mickey Dee's. It was pretty cool though it went across the freeway. I have also seen the world's largest cross in Texas? I went one a road trip to West Virgina a few summers ago and my camera decided to be an ashole and not work so none of my pictures turned out. So, I have a hard time remembering matching all the landmarks to which state.
*I have been to probaly over 50 concerts and my all time favorite has to bee either Green Day, Stone Temple Piolts, The Used or Finch. My first Concert ever was Blink-182, Homegrown and MXPX at the Old World in Huntington Beach when I was 15 so what 7-8 years ago! Before Blink-182 sold out and they were actually good. My first statium concert was Korn and It rocked my socks off.
*I think I would bea perfect canidate for MTV's show "Made"for being the white girl who wants to learn how to break dance. And I came close, while in San Diego 2 weekends ago, at the bar we were at they had MTV recruits and asked me if I would want to be eligable to be on a MTV show. I was drunk so I felt I was in no condition to make choices like that, and I realized to never listen to myself again when I am drinking.
*And last but not least, anyone who is in the need of a laugh do me a favor and buy SNL's best of Jimmy Fallon and thank me later. It is by far one of the funniest things I have ever seen, even when I am sober. But my advice, a little buzz helps...
Now a moment of silence for the butterfly that decided to fly right smack into my window this morning driving to work. May he not be so stupid in his next life. Amen.
Am I a Reference?
Yesterday I spent a good portion of the day taking my friend from Chicago around good ol' Orange County showing him the ropes. He just got his car and had no idea to even get to the beach, so I showed him the way. So while were crusin' Main St. in Huntington Beach all of a sudden my frind in the back seat grab my shoulders and said, "Look...its that girl you know that I know that...come on whats her name? B.O girl!!!" Ok, I knew exactly who he was talking about, she was a girl a year younger then myself who I went to high school with, and yes she does smell pretty weird. It made me think......... am I known to any one as a specific description? How am I recongnizable to the exes friends? I know Im not known all the time as that one girl you were totaly in to, or the one. Yeah right, I won't give my self that much credit. But every guy I know who has an ex, their ex becomes not a name but a description. I have a few that I have given to some of my has beens, I have likes to hump my friends legs boy, the guy who goes by the name "chewy" and likes to start fights with whatever guy is standing next to me, drunk guy who likes to pass out in bathtubs, one who got kicked out of the state of California, one with the big ass tounge and had no idea what he was doing with it. I probaly have a name for them all, and the sad part is that my friendss probally don't remember their names I just have to say that one little refernce and they will know exactly who I am talking about.
You Had Me At "Fuck You"
Why the hell are gatorade bottles so hard to open?
I have been pretty stressed out lately due to work and personal. So I haven't felt the need to write, but today I have been itching to and I dont have a slightest clue what I should and shouldn't share. I had an interesting weekend in San Diego, it started out Friday night at Soma watching The Used, My Chemical Romance, Senses Fail etc.......lets just call it The Total Chaos Tour. It was the best thing ever! I absoultly love The Used and as usually they fucking rocked my socks off. That was fun and then a few friends meet us afterwards at the beach house, which might I add was right on Mission Bay right across the street from the beach, and the neighbors hated us! Fuck me and my best friend had bitch fest on the patio at 3:30am on Sat. night, and my friends it wasnt pretty. She almost got her ass kicked by my very loving but psycho older sister. She don't give a fuck who you are, she will kick your ass. And I love her for it! My friend got "lost" after a fight with her boyfriend who pretty much didn't run after her when she stormed off, might I add really quick we were ALL smashed, but no excuse she was being ridiculous. So the next 3 hours consisted of looking EVERYWHERE for her and she wasn't answering here cell phone. Now your in a strange city where you have no idea where the fuck is anything and you have looked everywhere in our few mile region and had no luck. So we went back to the house and waited, and waited and foinally she shows up and gets in my face looking for someone to blame for her shitty night, as sad as it sounds that was our first yelling fight and it felt kinda good. Thank god she was ok, but what a dumbass, and there has been so many times I have just wanted to yell at her but Im a pretty "whatever" person. Leave me alone and I will leave you alone. But, oh she pushed the big old red button that transforms me into one hella pissed off drunk girl. Let me just end saying our neighbors HATED us! Thank god we dont live there, we would have been evicted just form that one night, but remeber we were ther for 3 nights =) I had a little fling with a cutie who I will never mention his name for personally reasons, but I just would like to add and end with............OH MY GOD!
Never Too Late
So I’m guessing everyone has ad least been in love once. I was and still like to convince myself that I am not, but the point is that we have all experienced it but if you find true love, doesn’t that mean there should be no more looking or searching? If it was the real thing then why are so many of us still out there? People might say because it wasn’t the right one, who would determine that and why would they know? My main concern is that I found that love once a while ago and now it has perished and gone on, but is that going to be my one and only chance at love? I know I can do better then that, I know I deserve another chance, that can’t be it! And this whole soul mate business, and by the way could they of come up with a cheesier way to put it? But, besides that, what is the definition of a soul mate? Is it someone that will be by your side your whole life loving and accepting you for just being you? If that is the case, then why must they make it seem that soul mates is a love interest and someone you can marry or be romantic with? I like to think of the close few in my life as soul mates, my friends and my family, the true ones who will stick by you and already have accepted you for you. Hear me out, you can be in a relationship with someone who you have yourself convinced is you soul mate and one day realize that it’s not what you thought you wanted. It happens, unfortunately to almost everyone, and it is not a bad thing at all. It is just sad that you thought it was there and so quick it won’t be. It happens to everyone so don’t start thinking it's you or there is something you did, IT HAPPENS! It can be peachy fucking keen one day then not. That’s life, but must we always tease ourselves with the whole “love” concept? I know I am a total hypercritic because being in love was the best feeling in the world and my problem is that I know all this and can give people this advice but I cannot personally accept it. I like to think I’m different when I know I’m not. I am just a normal girl who wants to find someone who will except all the weirdness built up inside me and to love my awkwardness that I can’t seem to escape. But, I don’t want to let that be a mission that takes over my life, I feel like I know I am only 22 years old but I feel like I lost it. It went away, but I have to know that I will feel that again, and I can’t be that unbearable that no one else out there can love my imperfections. Its self help is what it really is, not a cry for help. I write feelings that I don’t really like sharing certain things, not that I am ashamed but it’s hard to find someone who feels exactly the same way as you. Maybe that’s what a soul mate is? But, how boring would that be!
You Think You Know
You really do never know. I dont want to pinpoint that into one specific incident but Im sure it will end up that way. You can wake up one morning with a completely different perspective on anything and everything. People can surprise you, you think you know, but truthfully people are completely full of the element of surprise. I am talking about this beacuse it just seems to me lately that people I know are doing things I would never though they had in them. They grow up, get down, change lives, and do stuff that you couldn't believe.
Im sure your wondering what I am pointing this babble about, and I really cant say. Its just an observation and I have a situations. I have one great one in particular and it is some fucking two faced son of a bitch cocksucker who I use to work with, you know the type all lies and bullshit. Well he could of been named the king of fucking bullshitville. He has been lying to me to my face for god knows how long and also to my boss doing unbelievable stuff to sabatoge our company. It is just unbelievable and I cant even let you know what he did because it is getting pretty ugly. I hope he gets what is coming to him. People like that deserve to get the shit kicked out of them.
On a brighter note......Now I have an actual reason to hate him. Before it was more of a pitty like with him? You know what I mean, the type that makes you feel sorry for them but you know dep down they are lame and you dont like them? Oh well life goes on right? I have been feeling extremly stress out with this whole situation that has been going on and now more so then any I need a vacation! I have no money and I dont know anywhere I could go that I wouldn't need money for. I should just get up and go and for just one day in my life not worry about where I will end what or what I am going to do. Do you ever feel like doing that? I need to do that to gain what little bit insanity I have left in my poor fragile little mind. Fucking A, growing up is lame and the older you get the more you realize who fucking stupid people can really be. Adleast the OC is on tonight, this day would be complete shit. See, if I had a Seth Cohen alike I wouldn't be so stressed out so much because of work, I would have a cute boy to go home to, no instead I have a hamster that I swear is the fucking anti-christ of hamsters. Her name is squirrel and she maked the most possesed sounding noise if you even try to pick her up, she does not let me touch her and she insist of putting ALL her food in her all plastic wheel and run top speed on the dot of 3am every night. She dispise me. All Ive ever done was love her but she insist on biting me. Does she not understand that I am soley the only person keeping her alive because I feed her and change her cage! Damn, what does that say that I cant even get a fucking hamster to like me. Well, apologies to anyone who expected a happy post, Im mad and Im tired and this post was perfect therapy to help with that, so wish me luck on having a better week.